24 Hours at OSCON

I decided that there is way too much to recap in one post, so I will summarize a single day at OSCON. Told in the style of television’s “24″. Hyperbole added to incriminate the guilty.

OSCON — Portland — 7/23 – 7/24

The following happened between 6:00p – 8:00p (7/23)

It was a long day. I traveled for 8 hours, worked the concrete floors for another 5. Hyperic booth is bumping between show sessions. OSCON is still a show packed with sessions, talks, BoFs and panels. I’ve had nothing but orange juice since I left home. Colin Charles from MySQL APAC invites us to a Sun/MySQL/Zend bash. Red Hat Community Architect, Greg Dekoenigsberg and I decide to remedy the food situation and grab some grub before the party. We take the MAX to Kell’s, a great Irish Pub, and in great Irish tradition we forgo food for Guinness. Which, to its credit, passes quite nicely for a meal. Though gdk does don a skirt briefly, and orders a snakebite. Speaking of skirts, ask him about his New Orleans relief trip one day. You won’t regret it.

The following happened between 8:00 – 8:00:30

Jack Aboutboul from the Fedora Project drives us to the convention center, parking tickets flapping from under his windshield wipers. Despite taking several detours, it takes less than a minute. Jack’s from NYC, and he drives accordingly. Ever been on Mr Toad’s Wild Ride at Disney? It’s like that, but with a Metallica soundtrack.

The following happened between 8:01 – 8:02

I check under the rental car for hippies, bikes, or that poor old woman I’m sure he plowed into the river.

The following happened between 8:02 – 8:15

Party is thin. Carny food. Tricycles. Sumo suits. The group of three vows to never sumo.

The following happened between 8:15 – 10:00

While drinking away our boredom, the party took off. Lots more folks, tricycles have become a hazard, corn dogs are getting low, I can’t help thinking of Lord of the Flies.

The following happened between 10:01 – 10:30

Don’t ask me how it happened, all I know is Jack just cleaned the Sumo ring with someone and has challenged all comers. Next thing I know, money has been thrown down, and Jack and I are locked in the match of the evening. It starts like WWF and ends like UFC. I tell him he looks like Turtle from Entourage. He drops the People’s Elbow on me. The refs give up. Flash bulbs go off. It goes on and on. There’s blood. There’s debate to this day over who won. Decorum prevents me from bragging, so I’ll just give this little hint: I kicked his freakin’ arse! In your *face*, Turtle!

The following happened between 10:30 – 10:45

Woman is scolding me for some reason for beating up a girl. Jack comes over, realizing he’s been mistaken for a girl and punches her in the face.  Worn out from several hours in sumo gear, she smites him verily. Mayhem ensues. Elephant ears and popcorn fly through the air, the shuffle board table is on fire, I dump the remaining corn dogs into my backpack and roll the cotton candy machine into the security staff as a diversion. I escape on a stolen tricycle, firing foam rocket and balsa wood glider swag over my shoulder.

The following happened between 11:00 – 11:30

I take the MAX to my hotel. Or so I think. I get off at the wrong stop. I call and the hotel staff tells me I’m within “walking distance”. Though the hotel is indeed on 82nd St, it’s five miles away. I won’t realize this for… awhile.

The following happens between 11:30p – 12:45a (7/24)

Why do the crappiest neighborhoods always get to be called MLK Blvd? I walk five miles past some shady stuff. You could fill a library with all the euphemisms for “brothel”. What exactly is private erotic tanning? Why do you need it 24/7/365? I barter corn dogs for directions and protection from folks along the way. I’m offered a few items and services in exchange for money or in-kind services along the way. Although flattered by how pretty they say my mouth is, I politely decline. I notice cabs don’t seem to stop on this section of road. I call my hotel occasionally to be sure I’m still heading the right way, and for words of encouragement. Did I mention this is all in flip flops? I’m reminded of the Steven Wright joke “Any place is walking distance if you’ve got the time.”

The following happens ??? – ???

At some point, all the sumo, empty stomach, bumpy train rides, lingering smell of carny food in my shirt, and endless walking reminds me of that orange juice I had almost 24 hours prior, when suddenly… [THE NETWORK HAS REMOVED THIS SENTENCE FOR BEING GROSS]… but I felt better afterward, despite the unsettlingly orange taste in my mouth. And that cop was sure nice to stop and ask me how I was doing. I hope he enjoys the MySQL boxers and “Get Your Geek On!” tee shirt. Coulda used a ride man, but hey… thanks anyway.

The following happens between 1:00 – 1:30

I hit a dead end, kid at the bus stop shows me a shortcut to my hotel. “Go to that junction box, climb through the hole in the fence, walk down the ditch til you hit the wall of graffiti, hop that wall, walk down the railroad tracks… don’t worry it’s cool down there.”

The following happens between 1:30 – 1:31

Hotel lady greets me. The one I’ve been calling for directions all night. “I can’t believe you walked… you should have got back on the train to the airport stop, the courtesy shuttle runs all night, about a four minute ride…” Something in me snaps. I tried not to cry, but I may have let out a squeak. She adds cheerily “Guess I shoulda told you that the first time you called, huh? Teeheehee.” Channeling Jack, I punch her in the face.

The following happens between 9:00a – 5:00p

Showtime. I wake to realize neither I, nor Jack punched any women in the face, nor did a riot and food fight break out. But I am sad to say that way too much of the rest of the story is true. The show is still crawling with community folks. An amazing number of community managers. I was on the “Evolution of Community” panel with some of them. I think I broke my personal record for cursing in public, and even introduced Jono Bacon to a new one. Ross Turk wondered if he was an orange among apples. He’s the community manager at SourceForge, which is a community of communities. Making him a manager among managers. So not only is he an apple, he’s a big apple. Ross “The Big Apple” Turk. You heard it here first. Another day of great sessions. Brian Behlendorf still can’t sit in the audience without being outed by the presenter for being an inspiration. Michael Tiemann can’t just wear a baseball hat and not be recognized. My favorite session was “The Art of Community” all female Lightning Talks led by Dawn Foster and Danese Cooper. Creative, informative and moving. And only Danese herself got gonged for going over time.

The following happens between 6:00p and ???

Hyperic was a platinum Sponsor for the SourceForge.net Community Choice Awards. Free speech, free beer and a sister party hosted by OpenSourcery called Beerforge. The highlights were free tattoos (Real ones. Too bad for me the line was too long to get an ironic “freedom” in Mandarin tattoo), DJ, an XBox game lounge (where language barriers did not stop me and my European friends from pwning Halo 3) and a singer named Angela Davis, most of which you can see in a video re-cap by Robin Miller over at Linux.com: http://www.linux.com/feature/142948

My favorite moment was Sam Ramji of Microsoft presenting an award to OpenOffice.org. He was a good sport, the irony was lost on no one.

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